How long do you wait?

Question of... Well I guess it could be the question of a lifetime.

So...girl (whom we'll call J) meets boy (almost 3 years ago) and she likes this boy. Problem... Boy is with another girl (whom we'll call girl A) So... J
waits to see what happens with this girl A because she knows it is not going well and hasn't been for awhile (she heard this threw the "grapevine".
But this boy has been with girl A for awhile and is trying to make it work.

Fast forward about a year... Boy is no longer with girl A. (J learns this from someone else.) So, J continues to talk to this boy everyday and falls in love. She thinks he might be feeling the same way. They spend lots of time together, it's "different" now when they sleep together. It's loving... and passionate... And definitely not JUST sex.

Fast forward to July 2011.... She tells boy she loves him. Boy breaks her heart... "I have feelings for you....blah
Blah blah, but I'm not ready for all that." J is literally heartbroken. Devastated. However, overtime this boy has also become her best friend. She can't let go. So.... They continue to talk everyday and continue to do other "things".

"Why would J do such thing" one might ask?? Well, she can't bear to be without the one person who knows more than anyone else about her... Not only was he her lover, he was her confidante, her best friend, the one person who knew the good and the bad and still was with her. The one person in the world she actually fully trusts. She just couldn't be without him.

After continuing on in this limbo (convinced one day that this boy would WAKE UP) she made a decision: she'd try to date because she knew she deserved better than limbo.

Well... That didn't go so well. J did meet someone... Funny, outgoing, smart, successful... (If you've read my blog he's the one that moved away and J actually thought about moving too...) Well guess what?! J Hasn't heard from him in awhile. Shocking! (not!!)

Well the boy found out about this guy... And broke down. He was afraid to lose J. He actually had tears. J was torn (at the time). How could he finally see the light now that she was beginning to have feelings for someone else?? How was that even fair? Now boy was attentive to J's every needs. He saw (not just text) her several times a week. He took her on an amazing date. She cooked dinner for him... On and on. J was in love with him all over again.

Present day... J is in love with him (even more than she was before). Has no desire to see other people and just wants to be with him.

J has no idea how this boy feels for her. Yes they talk every day... All through out the day. Yes they see each other often, yes they have sleep overs at least once a week. Yes J knows he cares about her... But does he love her? Is he ready for a commitment. (J is not asking for a ring people! Just girlfriend status would do.) And being who J is... She's afraid to ask, considering what happened last time she did.

Is he ever going to let her in? Is he just playing with her... Leading her on. Letting her stick around because he's getting what he wants from it without having to commit.

J is not one of those crazies that makes crap up. She really feels like this boy loves her... He takes care of her... Spends time with her... Respects her... Makes her a better person...

Why can't he just admit it? And how long should she wait?

I know what is wrong with me... kind of....

I think I actually know what might be wrong with me.... I never had a Plan A. Let alone a Plan B or C. I've tried to think back to when I was little, and remember what I thought I wanted to be when I grew up.... and you know what?... I have no idea, I can't remember wanting to be anything.  Just like as I sit here, 37 years old, I have no idea what I am meant to do. Hence, me being unemployed since November.

I wonder what it is like to know what you want to do with your life. To know why you were put on this planet. Am I one of the few that does not know? Or am I mis-guided in my thoughts that most people know what they want to do? I feel like I am floating in this abyss of 'nothing'. I want to do something that I love. Is it too late? Is it too late to go back to school? I have already tried several things that at "the time" I thought I would love... and realized that I did not love it.

I want to do something that makes me happy. However, again, I am back to the fact that I have no idea what that would be. What if I already missed the boat? I still have to work. I have to pay the bills. Which is getting increasingly more challenging, as time goes on. But not knowing what I should or want to do makes it really hard to actually search for a job. I have no "keywords" to search.

Honestly, I think deep down I know what I want to do. But I am scared. Scared to see if I can do it and be successful at it. Scared to rely on a paycheck that comes from commissions. Scared that this is just another idea I "think" I want to do.

I want to go back to school and become a Registered Dietitian and in the meantime be a personal trainer. This is where my passion lays. I want to help people, people who really really struggle with their weight. Both through nutrition and working out. But is it too late for me to do this? To start over... again. How would I pay for school? Can I have a life and work and go to school? I just left an environment where there was no balance. I can not have that again. Is this what is causing me doubt everything?

How come when I was little, I did not know what I wanted to do when I grew up? Life would be so much easier now if I did. I wish I had a Plan A... or B... or at this point at least a Plan C.