I know what is wrong with me... kind of....

I think I actually know what might be wrong with me.... I never had a Plan A. Let alone a Plan B or C. I've tried to think back to when I was little, and remember what I thought I wanted to be when I grew up.... and you know what?... I have no idea, I can't remember wanting to be anything.  Just like as I sit here, 37 years old, I have no idea what I am meant to do. Hence, me being unemployed since November.

I wonder what it is like to know what you want to do with your life. To know why you were put on this planet. Am I one of the few that does not know? Or am I mis-guided in my thoughts that most people know what they want to do? I feel like I am floating in this abyss of 'nothing'. I want to do something that I love. Is it too late? Is it too late to go back to school? I have already tried several things that at "the time" I thought I would love... and realized that I did not love it.

I want to do something that makes me happy. However, again, I am back to the fact that I have no idea what that would be. What if I already missed the boat? I still have to work. I have to pay the bills. Which is getting increasingly more challenging, as time goes on. But not knowing what I should or want to do makes it really hard to actually search for a job. I have no "keywords" to search.

Honestly, I think deep down I know what I want to do. But I am scared. Scared to see if I can do it and be successful at it. Scared to rely on a paycheck that comes from commissions. Scared that this is just another idea I "think" I want to do.

I want to go back to school and become a Registered Dietitian and in the meantime be a personal trainer. This is where my passion lays. I want to help people, people who really really struggle with their weight. Both through nutrition and working out. But is it too late for me to do this? To start over... again. How would I pay for school? Can I have a life and work and go to school? I just left an environment where there was no balance. I can not have that again. Is this what is causing me doubt everything?

How come when I was little, I did not know what I wanted to do when I grew up? Life would be so much easier now if I did. I wish I had a Plan A... or B... or at this point at least a Plan C.