How long do you wait?

Question of... Well I guess it could be the question of a lifetime.

So...girl (whom we'll call J) meets boy (almost 3 years ago) and she likes this boy. Problem... Boy is with another girl (whom we'll call girl A) So... J
waits to see what happens with this girl A because she knows it is not going well and hasn't been for awhile (she heard this threw the "grapevine".
But this boy has been with girl A for awhile and is trying to make it work.

Fast forward about a year... Boy is no longer with girl A. (J learns this from someone else.) So, J continues to talk to this boy everyday and falls in love. She thinks he might be feeling the same way. They spend lots of time together, it's "different" now when they sleep together. It's loving... and passionate... And definitely not JUST sex.

Fast forward to July 2011.... She tells boy she loves him. Boy breaks her heart... "I have feelings for you....blah
Blah blah, but I'm not ready for all that." J is literally heartbroken. Devastated. However, overtime this boy has also become her best friend. She can't let go. So.... They continue to talk everyday and continue to do other "things".

"Why would J do such thing" one might ask?? Well, she can't bear to be without the one person who knows more than anyone else about her... Not only was he her lover, he was her confidante, her best friend, the one person who knew the good and the bad and still was with her. The one person in the world she actually fully trusts. She just couldn't be without him.

After continuing on in this limbo (convinced one day that this boy would WAKE UP) she made a decision: she'd try to date because she knew she deserved better than limbo.

Well... That didn't go so well. J did meet someone... Funny, outgoing, smart, successful... (If you've read my blog he's the one that moved away and J actually thought about moving too...) Well guess what?! J Hasn't heard from him in awhile. Shocking! (not!!)

Well the boy found out about this guy... And broke down. He was afraid to lose J. He actually had tears. J was torn (at the time). How could he finally see the light now that she was beginning to have feelings for someone else?? How was that even fair? Now boy was attentive to J's every needs. He saw (not just text) her several times a week. He took her on an amazing date. She cooked dinner for him... On and on. J was in love with him all over again.

Present day... J is in love with him (even more than she was before). Has no desire to see other people and just wants to be with him.

J has no idea how this boy feels for her. Yes they talk every day... All through out the day. Yes they see each other often, yes they have sleep overs at least once a week. Yes J knows he cares about her... But does he love her? Is he ready for a commitment. (J is not asking for a ring people! Just girlfriend status would do.) And being who J is... She's afraid to ask, considering what happened last time she did.

Is he ever going to let her in? Is he just playing with her... Leading her on. Letting her stick around because he's getting what he wants from it without having to commit.

J is not one of those crazies that makes crap up. She really feels like this boy loves her... He takes care of her... Spends time with her... Respects her... Makes her a better person...

Why can't he just admit it? And how long should she wait?

I know what is wrong with me... kind of....

I think I actually know what might be wrong with me.... I never had a Plan A. Let alone a Plan B or C. I've tried to think back to when I was little, and remember what I thought I wanted to be when I grew up.... and you know what?... I have no idea, I can't remember wanting to be anything.  Just like as I sit here, 37 years old, I have no idea what I am meant to do. Hence, me being unemployed since November.

I wonder what it is like to know what you want to do with your life. To know why you were put on this planet. Am I one of the few that does not know? Or am I mis-guided in my thoughts that most people know what they want to do? I feel like I am floating in this abyss of 'nothing'. I want to do something that I love. Is it too late? Is it too late to go back to school? I have already tried several things that at "the time" I thought I would love... and realized that I did not love it.

I want to do something that makes me happy. However, again, I am back to the fact that I have no idea what that would be. What if I already missed the boat? I still have to work. I have to pay the bills. Which is getting increasingly more challenging, as time goes on. But not knowing what I should or want to do makes it really hard to actually search for a job. I have no "keywords" to search.

Honestly, I think deep down I know what I want to do. But I am scared. Scared to see if I can do it and be successful at it. Scared to rely on a paycheck that comes from commissions. Scared that this is just another idea I "think" I want to do.

I want to go back to school and become a Registered Dietitian and in the meantime be a personal trainer. This is where my passion lays. I want to help people, people who really really struggle with their weight. Both through nutrition and working out. But is it too late for me to do this? To start over... again. How would I pay for school? Can I have a life and work and go to school? I just left an environment where there was no balance. I can not have that again. Is this what is causing me doubt everything?

How come when I was little, I did not know what I wanted to do when I grew up? Life would be so much easier now if I did. I wish I had a Plan A... or B... or at this point at least a Plan C.

Why can we not just be happy with what we have right now

You know, I do realize that I have no patience. Once I make up my mind, I want things to be in place right then. Now, mind you, it can take me a VERY long time to figure things out and make up my mind, but once I do... you better watch out!

I should be a pretty content person right now.... I have an awesome apartment that I love and that feels like home. I have a great comfy couch and a big flat screen TV with a very nice surround sound system that I almost threw out the window due to my lack of patience for electronics and cords. I have a nice kitchen (minus lack of cabinets) that allows me to have lots of fun cooking in it and I just about have every cooking nicknack that I need to do that cooking. I have wine in the wine rack and liquor in my bar and food in my fridge. I have the most amazing puppy ever. I have a pretty great wardrobe and an awesome shoe collection. I have a great family that cares for me and great friends who have saved my life. What more could I really ask for?

(Well for one, I would ask for the knowledge to know what I want to do when I grew up.  Actually I do really know what I want to do. I want to be a registered dietitian. Which requires at least three years of school I think. More on that to come.... )

Not to say, that these things have not come at a cost. I am divorced. I do live alone, and recently I have been alone a lot. I am just about out of the little nest egg of savings that I was saving up to buy a place due to the fact that I have not been employed since November 1st. I had a job that just about killed me. It didn't but I walked away being diagnosed with Celiac's Disease, hyper-somnia aka moderate narcolepsy, and the biggest issue of all... bi-polar. Who the fuck (sorry about the language) would have guessed that?!?!? Well it makes perfect sense, actually. And I wish more than anything I would have known about it 10-15 years ago.... but the past is the past. You can't change it. The present is what it is in your control. (So I keep telling myself....)

Before this post, a handful of people know about the bi-polar. I felt (and sometimes still do) like it is my dirty little secret. As if, if people knew they would think I was crazy. Which, perhaps I am, and that is why I am so charming. LOL

I do not blame the 'evil' job for my health aliments per se. I do however blame it for pushing me over the edge so that I could no longer deal with things on my own. When I say that it nearly killed me and two of my friends saved my life, I am dead (excuse the pun) serious.

So why can I not be content right now. I am alive and well (thank you medication) and happy, mostly.  Why do I have to have all my hopes and dreams come true all at once, right now? Then what would I have to look forward to? Why do when I think about these things not happening right now, I get sad? And can not be happy about the things that I do have right now? Is that the point? That is the reason that I will make my dreams come true? Because I can not stand to be sad? That is my motivation to figure out how to go back to school and do what I really have a passion for? That is the reason that I will never give up on finding true love? That is the reason that I will continue to make myself a better person? If I was happy with what I was right now, would I have the desire to change, to better myself, to push myself? Would you?

Food.....

Over the last couple of days I have been a cooking fool and loving every minute of it. Of course I have probably gained 10 pounds because of it, but I don't care, it tastes so good and is so much fun!

One thing you have to realize is that both of these meals that I cooked are rather out of my comfort zone. While I now admit that I may have skills in the kitchen when it comes to dinner entrees, in the past I always considered myself more of a baker than a culinary chef. Well, times have changed! That is for sure.  (As most of my friends will tell you, I never talk about myself in a positive way much. I am my toughest critic by far. So, by boasting about this... means it was really very, very good.)

On Thursday night the menu was the following: Jamaican Jerk Chicken served with Caribbean Rice, topped with Pineapple and Mango salsa. I also served a salad which was composed of dark greens, blue cheese crumbles and cranberry's with a homemade balsamic vinaigrette dressing. For dessert you ask? Gluten Free Brownies. (Well, more like brownie crumbles. But it was still yummy, even tho it didn't plate so well. LOL Tends to happen with Gluten Free things.)

The chicken was incredible. But I do have a confession... I just about smoked everyone out of my loft. This was the first time I had used a stovetop cast iron grill pan. Let's just say, I am still trying to clean the grill pan! On the positive side it is well on its way to being nicely seasoned!

Back to the chicken... it was yummy! The marinade (not a dry rub like most jerk chicken recipes) left the chicken moist and bursting with flavor. I felt like there was a party in my mouth! The combination of the chicken with the rice and the salsa was.... perfection.

With so much success from that, I was riding high as I decided what to cook last night. Again, stepping way out of comfort zone I decided to cook beef. (Hard to believe not too long ago I would not touch raw chicken or meat!) Friday's menu almost topped Thursday's....

Friday the menu was Beef Tenderloin with a Red Wine Reduction sauce, roasted garlic mashed potatoes and sautéed asparagus. Again, heaven in my mouth... and my dinner companion was impressed. Success yet again! The steak was seared to perfection, the potatoes just the right amount of garlic and the asparagus were crunchy and delicious. THEN..... there was dessert!!

Dessert for Friday was a Flour-less Chocolate Cake topped with a Chocolate Ganache sauce. OH MY GOD!!! It was so rich and delectable I almost passed out!! LOL

I can't even explain how much fun it has been to be back in the kitchen again, and challenging myself. I am having a blast!!

Tattoo

So for those of you who do know... I have a tattoo on my back and it is not quite finished. I have been thinking about the finishing touches for about a year now and have finally figured out what I am going to do. I am adding a airplane near my shoulder in remembrance of my Uncle who passed away recently. I am also adding a baby rattle in remembrance of my niece who sadly passed away 4 hours after she was born. Last but not least I am going to have the following phrase scrolling through the stars: No easy way from the earth to the stars. I might do the phrase in Latin which would be this: Non est ad astra moills e terris via. I am so excited, I just want to go and finish it right now!! LOL

How much do guys really want to know..

I have to admit. Hitting the "dating scene" in my mid-thirties has been a little daunting. I was mistaken when I thought that surely it would be easier than when I was younger. You know we are "adults".... Boy was I wrong!! I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Have no idea how to play this game and I am certainly clueless to the rules.

So there is this guy... I like him. We have spent quite a bit of time together. We have tons in common, we became close quickly, we have fun... you know all the good stuff. Well the good stuff happens when we are together, in person. When we don't see each other he seems withdrawn. The only reason I even mention this, is because he took a job in a different state... so there is going to be a significant time when we are not together, in person. I am a girl. Withdrawn does not work for me. I need to hear the same things you would say and do say in person, or else I kinda go a little crazy and start to second guess everything.

I want to tell him that I miss him. That I can't wait to see him. That I wish I was there to cook dinner for him. Pour him a drink. I wish that I was exploring his new "home" with him. But I am afraid to say anything because from what I have heard, that is breaking the rules. Is he thinking the same? Is he not and that why he is distant? And what is even crazier is that I am TALKING ABOUT THIS IN A BLOG AND NOT TO HIM.. we are adults right?????

I don't even know if anyone even reads this damn thing, but if you do, and you are a guy, what the hell do you guys want to know? What would scare you off? And why the hell would someone you seemingly like, a lot, scare you? For once I would like to understand. As I believe I mentioned in my very first blog I need a MAN-ual. ASAP!!!!

I really like this guy. I am willing to leave my home and start a life where I would know no one but him at first. That my friend is scary. But first I have to be able to trust that what he tells me in person, that what he seems unable to do over the phone or via text, is not some bull shit. Just not sure how to explain that to him without seeming over bearing, needy, whatever the "rules" say I would be.

How about we F these rules and just start communicating. It would be a hell of a lot easier.

A New Year....

Well here it is, 2012 and I have decided that I am kind of over "New Year's". I mean yes I am looking forward to this being a better year than 2011, however I think I have thought that for the last 2 or 3 years and none of those years have been really been that better.

I don't mean to be my pessimistic self, however this year has not even started well, at least not in the love department. Mr. Wonderful fell off the face of the earth with no warning. He did decide to return, intermittently. But now I have a huge wall that he is going to have to get over. And men wonder what is wrong with us, perhaps there is nothing wrong with us... perhaps there is something wrong with men.

What IS wrong with me, is that I throw myself into something and when it goes awry, my entire being also goes awry. Why can't people be who they say they are? Why do they say things that they do not mean? Or why do they mean them in one minute and maybe not the next even when absolutely nothing has changed.

Do not offer me the fairy tale and then run away.


On a side note, I did have a fabulous New Year's Eve party and everyone seemed to have a wonderful time. I served beef tenderloin wrapped in bacon, ginger turkey meatballs served with a warm sweet mustard sauce, parmesan pastry puffs, stuffed mushrooms, southwestern squares, artichoke crab dip, triple chocolate fruit topped pizza, peanut butter squares, and the specialty drink of the evening was Pomegranate Mojitos. Everything turned out perfect! I do still remember how to throw a party after all. :) Maybe I should look into even planning.....