Why can we not just be happy with what we have right now

You know, I do realize that I have no patience. Once I make up my mind, I want things to be in place right then. Now, mind you, it can take me a VERY long time to figure things out and make up my mind, but once I do... you better watch out!

I should be a pretty content person right now.... I have an awesome apartment that I love and that feels like home. I have a great comfy couch and a big flat screen TV with a very nice surround sound system that I almost threw out the window due to my lack of patience for electronics and cords. I have a nice kitchen (minus lack of cabinets) that allows me to have lots of fun cooking in it and I just about have every cooking nicknack that I need to do that cooking. I have wine in the wine rack and liquor in my bar and food in my fridge. I have the most amazing puppy ever. I have a pretty great wardrobe and an awesome shoe collection. I have a great family that cares for me and great friends who have saved my life. What more could I really ask for?

(Well for one, I would ask for the knowledge to know what I want to do when I grew up.  Actually I do really know what I want to do. I want to be a registered dietitian. Which requires at least three years of school I think. More on that to come.... )

Not to say, that these things have not come at a cost. I am divorced. I do live alone, and recently I have been alone a lot. I am just about out of the little nest egg of savings that I was saving up to buy a place due to the fact that I have not been employed since November 1st. I had a job that just about killed me. It didn't but I walked away being diagnosed with Celiac's Disease, hyper-somnia aka moderate narcolepsy, and the biggest issue of all... bi-polar. Who the fuck (sorry about the language) would have guessed that?!?!? Well it makes perfect sense, actually. And I wish more than anything I would have known about it 10-15 years ago.... but the past is the past. You can't change it. The present is what it is in your control. (So I keep telling myself....)

Before this post, a handful of people know about the bi-polar. I felt (and sometimes still do) like it is my dirty little secret. As if, if people knew they would think I was crazy. Which, perhaps I am, and that is why I am so charming. LOL

I do not blame the 'evil' job for my health aliments per se. I do however blame it for pushing me over the edge so that I could no longer deal with things on my own. When I say that it nearly killed me and two of my friends saved my life, I am dead (excuse the pun) serious.

So why can I not be content right now. I am alive and well (thank you medication) and happy, mostly.  Why do I have to have all my hopes and dreams come true all at once, right now? Then what would I have to look forward to? Why do when I think about these things not happening right now, I get sad? And can not be happy about the things that I do have right now? Is that the point? That is the reason that I will make my dreams come true? Because I can not stand to be sad? That is my motivation to figure out how to go back to school and do what I really have a passion for? That is the reason that I will never give up on finding true love? That is the reason that I will continue to make myself a better person? If I was happy with what I was right now, would I have the desire to change, to better myself, to push myself? Would you?