How long do you wait?

Question of... Well I guess it could be the question of a lifetime.

So...girl (whom we'll call J) meets boy (almost 3 years ago) and she likes this boy. Problem... Boy is with another girl (whom we'll call girl A) So... J
waits to see what happens with this girl A because she knows it is not going well and hasn't been for awhile (she heard this threw the "grapevine".
But this boy has been with girl A for awhile and is trying to make it work.

Fast forward about a year... Boy is no longer with girl A. (J learns this from someone else.) So, J continues to talk to this boy everyday and falls in love. She thinks he might be feeling the same way. They spend lots of time together, it's "different" now when they sleep together. It's loving... and passionate... And definitely not JUST sex.

Fast forward to July 2011.... She tells boy she loves him. Boy breaks her heart... "I have feelings for you....blah
Blah blah, but I'm not ready for all that." J is literally heartbroken. Devastated. However, overtime this boy has also become her best friend. She can't let go. So.... They continue to talk everyday and continue to do other "things".

"Why would J do such thing" one might ask?? Well, she can't bear to be without the one person who knows more than anyone else about her... Not only was he her lover, he was her confidante, her best friend, the one person who knew the good and the bad and still was with her. The one person in the world she actually fully trusts. She just couldn't be without him.

After continuing on in this limbo (convinced one day that this boy would WAKE UP) she made a decision: she'd try to date because she knew she deserved better than limbo.

Well... That didn't go so well. J did meet someone... Funny, outgoing, smart, successful... (If you've read my blog he's the one that moved away and J actually thought about moving too...) Well guess what?! J Hasn't heard from him in awhile. Shocking! (not!!)

Well the boy found out about this guy... And broke down. He was afraid to lose J. He actually had tears. J was torn (at the time). How could he finally see the light now that she was beginning to have feelings for someone else?? How was that even fair? Now boy was attentive to J's every needs. He saw (not just text) her several times a week. He took her on an amazing date. She cooked dinner for him... On and on. J was in love with him all over again.

Present day... J is in love with him (even more than she was before). Has no desire to see other people and just wants to be with him.

J has no idea how this boy feels for her. Yes they talk every day... All through out the day. Yes they see each other often, yes they have sleep overs at least once a week. Yes J knows he cares about her... But does he love her? Is he ready for a commitment. (J is not asking for a ring people! Just girlfriend status would do.) And being who J is... She's afraid to ask, considering what happened last time she did.

Is he ever going to let her in? Is he just playing with her... Leading her on. Letting her stick around because he's getting what he wants from it without having to commit.

J is not one of those crazies that makes crap up. She really feels like this boy loves her... He takes care of her... Spends time with her... Respects her... Makes her a better person...

Why can't he just admit it? And how long should she wait?

I know what is wrong with me... kind of....

I think I actually know what might be wrong with me.... I never had a Plan A. Let alone a Plan B or C. I've tried to think back to when I was little, and remember what I thought I wanted to be when I grew up.... and you know what?... I have no idea, I can't remember wanting to be anything.  Just like as I sit here, 37 years old, I have no idea what I am meant to do. Hence, me being unemployed since November.

I wonder what it is like to know what you want to do with your life. To know why you were put on this planet. Am I one of the few that does not know? Or am I mis-guided in my thoughts that most people know what they want to do? I feel like I am floating in this abyss of 'nothing'. I want to do something that I love. Is it too late? Is it too late to go back to school? I have already tried several things that at "the time" I thought I would love... and realized that I did not love it.

I want to do something that makes me happy. However, again, I am back to the fact that I have no idea what that would be. What if I already missed the boat? I still have to work. I have to pay the bills. Which is getting increasingly more challenging, as time goes on. But not knowing what I should or want to do makes it really hard to actually search for a job. I have no "keywords" to search.

Honestly, I think deep down I know what I want to do. But I am scared. Scared to see if I can do it and be successful at it. Scared to rely on a paycheck that comes from commissions. Scared that this is just another idea I "think" I want to do.

I want to go back to school and become a Registered Dietitian and in the meantime be a personal trainer. This is where my passion lays. I want to help people, people who really really struggle with their weight. Both through nutrition and working out. But is it too late for me to do this? To start over... again. How would I pay for school? Can I have a life and work and go to school? I just left an environment where there was no balance. I can not have that again. Is this what is causing me doubt everything?

How come when I was little, I did not know what I wanted to do when I grew up? Life would be so much easier now if I did. I wish I had a Plan A... or B... or at this point at least a Plan C.

Why can we not just be happy with what we have right now

You know, I do realize that I have no patience. Once I make up my mind, I want things to be in place right then. Now, mind you, it can take me a VERY long time to figure things out and make up my mind, but once I do... you better watch out!

I should be a pretty content person right now.... I have an awesome apartment that I love and that feels like home. I have a great comfy couch and a big flat screen TV with a very nice surround sound system that I almost threw out the window due to my lack of patience for electronics and cords. I have a nice kitchen (minus lack of cabinets) that allows me to have lots of fun cooking in it and I just about have every cooking nicknack that I need to do that cooking. I have wine in the wine rack and liquor in my bar and food in my fridge. I have the most amazing puppy ever. I have a pretty great wardrobe and an awesome shoe collection. I have a great family that cares for me and great friends who have saved my life. What more could I really ask for?

(Well for one, I would ask for the knowledge to know what I want to do when I grew up.  Actually I do really know what I want to do. I want to be a registered dietitian. Which requires at least three years of school I think. More on that to come.... )

Not to say, that these things have not come at a cost. I am divorced. I do live alone, and recently I have been alone a lot. I am just about out of the little nest egg of savings that I was saving up to buy a place due to the fact that I have not been employed since November 1st. I had a job that just about killed me. It didn't but I walked away being diagnosed with Celiac's Disease, hyper-somnia aka moderate narcolepsy, and the biggest issue of all... bi-polar. Who the fuck (sorry about the language) would have guessed that?!?!? Well it makes perfect sense, actually. And I wish more than anything I would have known about it 10-15 years ago.... but the past is the past. You can't change it. The present is what it is in your control. (So I keep telling myself....)

Before this post, a handful of people know about the bi-polar. I felt (and sometimes still do) like it is my dirty little secret. As if, if people knew they would think I was crazy. Which, perhaps I am, and that is why I am so charming. LOL

I do not blame the 'evil' job for my health aliments per se. I do however blame it for pushing me over the edge so that I could no longer deal with things on my own. When I say that it nearly killed me and two of my friends saved my life, I am dead (excuse the pun) serious.

So why can I not be content right now. I am alive and well (thank you medication) and happy, mostly.  Why do I have to have all my hopes and dreams come true all at once, right now? Then what would I have to look forward to? Why do when I think about these things not happening right now, I get sad? And can not be happy about the things that I do have right now? Is that the point? That is the reason that I will make my dreams come true? Because I can not stand to be sad? That is my motivation to figure out how to go back to school and do what I really have a passion for? That is the reason that I will never give up on finding true love? That is the reason that I will continue to make myself a better person? If I was happy with what I was right now, would I have the desire to change, to better myself, to push myself? Would you?

Food.....

Over the last couple of days I have been a cooking fool and loving every minute of it. Of course I have probably gained 10 pounds because of it, but I don't care, it tastes so good and is so much fun!

One thing you have to realize is that both of these meals that I cooked are rather out of my comfort zone. While I now admit that I may have skills in the kitchen when it comes to dinner entrees, in the past I always considered myself more of a baker than a culinary chef. Well, times have changed! That is for sure.  (As most of my friends will tell you, I never talk about myself in a positive way much. I am my toughest critic by far. So, by boasting about this... means it was really very, very good.)

On Thursday night the menu was the following: Jamaican Jerk Chicken served with Caribbean Rice, topped with Pineapple and Mango salsa. I also served a salad which was composed of dark greens, blue cheese crumbles and cranberry's with a homemade balsamic vinaigrette dressing. For dessert you ask? Gluten Free Brownies. (Well, more like brownie crumbles. But it was still yummy, even tho it didn't plate so well. LOL Tends to happen with Gluten Free things.)

The chicken was incredible. But I do have a confession... I just about smoked everyone out of my loft. This was the first time I had used a stovetop cast iron grill pan. Let's just say, I am still trying to clean the grill pan! On the positive side it is well on its way to being nicely seasoned!

Back to the chicken... it was yummy! The marinade (not a dry rub like most jerk chicken recipes) left the chicken moist and bursting with flavor. I felt like there was a party in my mouth! The combination of the chicken with the rice and the salsa was.... perfection.

With so much success from that, I was riding high as I decided what to cook last night. Again, stepping way out of comfort zone I decided to cook beef. (Hard to believe not too long ago I would not touch raw chicken or meat!) Friday's menu almost topped Thursday's....

Friday the menu was Beef Tenderloin with a Red Wine Reduction sauce, roasted garlic mashed potatoes and sautéed asparagus. Again, heaven in my mouth... and my dinner companion was impressed. Success yet again! The steak was seared to perfection, the potatoes just the right amount of garlic and the asparagus were crunchy and delicious. THEN..... there was dessert!!

Dessert for Friday was a Flour-less Chocolate Cake topped with a Chocolate Ganache sauce. OH MY GOD!!! It was so rich and delectable I almost passed out!! LOL

I can't even explain how much fun it has been to be back in the kitchen again, and challenging myself. I am having a blast!!

Tattoo

So for those of you who do know... I have a tattoo on my back and it is not quite finished. I have been thinking about the finishing touches for about a year now and have finally figured out what I am going to do. I am adding a airplane near my shoulder in remembrance of my Uncle who passed away recently. I am also adding a baby rattle in remembrance of my niece who sadly passed away 4 hours after she was born. Last but not least I am going to have the following phrase scrolling through the stars: No easy way from the earth to the stars. I might do the phrase in Latin which would be this: Non est ad astra moills e terris via. I am so excited, I just want to go and finish it right now!! LOL

How much do guys really want to know..

I have to admit. Hitting the "dating scene" in my mid-thirties has been a little daunting. I was mistaken when I thought that surely it would be easier than when I was younger. You know we are "adults".... Boy was I wrong!! I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Have no idea how to play this game and I am certainly clueless to the rules.

So there is this guy... I like him. We have spent quite a bit of time together. We have tons in common, we became close quickly, we have fun... you know all the good stuff. Well the good stuff happens when we are together, in person. When we don't see each other he seems withdrawn. The only reason I even mention this, is because he took a job in a different state... so there is going to be a significant time when we are not together, in person. I am a girl. Withdrawn does not work for me. I need to hear the same things you would say and do say in person, or else I kinda go a little crazy and start to second guess everything.

I want to tell him that I miss him. That I can't wait to see him. That I wish I was there to cook dinner for him. Pour him a drink. I wish that I was exploring his new "home" with him. But I am afraid to say anything because from what I have heard, that is breaking the rules. Is he thinking the same? Is he not and that why he is distant? And what is even crazier is that I am TALKING ABOUT THIS IN A BLOG AND NOT TO HIM.. we are adults right?????

I don't even know if anyone even reads this damn thing, but if you do, and you are a guy, what the hell do you guys want to know? What would scare you off? And why the hell would someone you seemingly like, a lot, scare you? For once I would like to understand. As I believe I mentioned in my very first blog I need a MAN-ual. ASAP!!!!

I really like this guy. I am willing to leave my home and start a life where I would know no one but him at first. That my friend is scary. But first I have to be able to trust that what he tells me in person, that what he seems unable to do over the phone or via text, is not some bull shit. Just not sure how to explain that to him without seeming over bearing, needy, whatever the "rules" say I would be.

How about we F these rules and just start communicating. It would be a hell of a lot easier.

A New Year....

Well here it is, 2012 and I have decided that I am kind of over "New Year's". I mean yes I am looking forward to this being a better year than 2011, however I think I have thought that for the last 2 or 3 years and none of those years have been really been that better.

I don't mean to be my pessimistic self, however this year has not even started well, at least not in the love department. Mr. Wonderful fell off the face of the earth with no warning. He did decide to return, intermittently. But now I have a huge wall that he is going to have to get over. And men wonder what is wrong with us, perhaps there is nothing wrong with us... perhaps there is something wrong with men.

What IS wrong with me, is that I throw myself into something and when it goes awry, my entire being also goes awry. Why can't people be who they say they are? Why do they say things that they do not mean? Or why do they mean them in one minute and maybe not the next even when absolutely nothing has changed.

Do not offer me the fairy tale and then run away.


On a side note, I did have a fabulous New Year's Eve party and everyone seemed to have a wonderful time. I served beef tenderloin wrapped in bacon, ginger turkey meatballs served with a warm sweet mustard sauce, parmesan pastry puffs, stuffed mushrooms, southwestern squares, artichoke crab dip, triple chocolate fruit topped pizza, peanut butter squares, and the specialty drink of the evening was Pomegranate Mojitos. Everything turned out perfect! I do still remember how to throw a party after all. :) Maybe I should look into even planning.....

Girls can be as dumb as boys

Yes, you read that correctly. Sometimes us girls are pretty stupid. Usually we are at our worst when starting a new relationship. I could easily trace this back to baggage left by previous, equally dumb boys, but for tonight I will lay blame solely on us girls. (Kind of)

We want space. We want constant contact. We need reassurance. We say we don't constantly need to be told that you like us. We want to be perceived as strong, independent women who can do things on our own. We want you to open doors for us, walk on the side closest to the street, hold our hand, and give advice, etc etc etc. I mean I get why you boys might be a little confused. But TRUST me... (Ah there is the very important word now) most importantly we want to trust. We want to be able to trust that what you told us yesterday, is the same thing you believe today. We want to trust that the sweet things we mentioned two days ago, still has the same meaning two weeks from now. And when this does not happen we turn into self-doubting, ultra-overthinking, dumb girls.

It all comes down to trust. I use to be one of those people that when I met you, you had my trust. All of it. It was not earned. It was something that you could loose with me. And once it was lost, you would never really get it back. This is not the case so much. Being like that gets you hurt, and once you are hurt badly enough, you learn to change your ways with trust. Trust is the voice in the back of a girls head when she is in "dumb mode". Trust is the one to blame, shared equally with baggage.

Here is what we want. We really do want to trust you boys from the very beginning. We really really do. However, it is now impossible. By no fault of your own (current boys in our lives) and we do know that it is not your fault, yet.

We don't need to talk to you ever minute of everyday, but maybe at least 3 times a day or so could you let us know that you are thinking about us and you are alive? Without us initiating it first? A quick text or call is all we are asking for. Could you maybe reiterate something really important that you said the other day, just so we know we weren't  making things up in our head? Could you say goodnight to us when you go to sleep. Even if you think we might already be asleep. I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes (because of trust and baggage) we end up in dumb mode and these simple actions would smack us right out of that.

Not only would this little smack help us girls, its going to help you boys too. See by doing this, trusting you just might happen and then dumb girl (at least in this aspect) will not rear her not-so-pretty head. It is a win-win for both of us.  What do you think? You on board boys? I know a couple of girls whose love lives would be less dumb-girl like if you were....

Question of the Day:

Could I really pick up and move away from the City that I love and have lived in for almost 15 years?

This is the answer that I need to come up with, among others. Such as: Can I overcome my fear of moving to an unfamiliar place where I may only know one person? What if this place only has several hundred thousand people instead of millions? Will l get bored? Will I fit in? What will I do? Will I miss big city living?

Several of these are easy to answer: I don't do much now honestly, so how could I be more bored than already am?  Plus, its a new place... plenty to see at least at first. Big city living is expensive and rather cold and un-sunny. In this new place I could live in a 3 bedroom house for $500 LESS than I am paying for 740 square feet. BUT... its not a cool loft, in a converted printing building that is now a historical site because it was design by one the most famous and influential architects of his time, Burnham.
But it is sunny more days than not! Over 200 sunny days last year!! (Compared to less than 100 in this 'great city'.) We all know how much I need the sun! And I will have to drive everywhere. Say good by to the super low 24,000 miles I have on my 6 year old Mini Cooper. BUT I could afford a NEW mini! Hmmmmm.....

What about the roar of the L train overhead, the smelly people on it, the culture, the cold weather, only having two seasons and the awful city taxes? What about my friends and family and summers in Chicago? Summer in Chicago... you CAN NOT beat it!!  I mean I know I would be back every 4-6 weeks because giving up my hairdresser is non-negotiable. But still....

What about the "Will I fit in?" question and only knowing one person? I mean at first I might not have job (I don't even have one now) so how will I meet anyone? It's going to be like living in the Suburbs... is that what I want? Me, Sherman, a house and yard and L and no friends and no job at first?

At least it is a big  "College town", so there has got to be fun things to do sometimes.... football games for sure!  And it is home to several Corporate Headquarters so it has to offer some good things. I could easily go back to school too, and be able to do what I really want to do....

The biggest question, and hardest question is: Am I willing to do this for someone else? For someone who I do believe  I am meant to be with. For someone who promises to be good to me and true and honest and help me in whatever way to adjust to moving because he knows without a doubt that I would be making the biggest change of my life in recent years to be with him.

What to do, what to do what to do......

You just never know.....

Have you ever had one of those single experiences where you have that feeling in the pit of your stomach that your life could change completely because of this singular, almost random, event.

This happened to me last night. Was just suppose to a movie and drinks. Simple enough right? Well, the movie was fantastic (highly recommend seeing Mission Impossible in an IMAX theatre), the drinks are always good (Jameson and Ginger Ale), however it was the company I was in that may just change everything.

It seriously was the most amazing "first date" for lack of a better description. Like we have known each for ever. We never stopped talking and have so much in common. We joked around, we were serious... it was the most relaxed I have been in years.  We were talking about the future as if making long-term plans with someone you just met was completely normal.

It was like meeting L solidified all the decisions I have made in the last 2 months. And we both felt the same way. As in this singular event took place because it was meant to be, we had no control over it happening.

The one hitch..... L might take a job out of state. And the start date would most likely be Jan. 3rd. Why? Why? Why? Hence..... the thought that my life might change. Drastically.

The people in our lives:

It is amazing the people that come into your life these days, and the way technology allows you to connect with those you would have otherwise never met in a thousand years.

Anyone else out there wonder about why some of these people are in your life?

I believe there is a reason for everything, even when I can't for the life of me figure out what that reason might be.

I know that some people in my life are here for very important reasons: they saved my life. Literally. I know others are in my life to push me to be a better person. Some are here to remind me how to love again. Some are here to remind me to protect my heart. And some are here to remind that trust is earned. Not just handed over.

These are the people that I am grateful for. Those who make me stronger everyday, in every possible way. Those who reminded me how to laugh. How to love. How to live. Very powerful people indeed.

Now, only if I had someone who could help me find Mr. Right..... lol

Todays Culinary Delight:

Oh and totally forgot to mention in tonight's previous blog...

Today's culinary delight was an omelet made with sun-dried tomato and garlic chicken sausage, Mediterranean seasoned feta cheese and a little bit of fresh salsa for breakfast. YUMMY!!

Another Monday wouldnt be complete without one rant...

Well.... another Monday in the books, so to speak. For the last hour I have had the pleasure to read all about our great State's health insurance plan.

Considering I am currently unemployed by choice, (yes I am the woman who walked away from a job during the highest employment rate seen for awhile) I could have stayed and let it kill me... I didn't think that would be such a good idea and COBRA is not too bad, but the coverage totally sucks and I have "conditions" that let health insurance companies decline me right and left (love our health care here in America) I think I might actually be better off on the State program. That is if I can get approved by them. (Now that was one sweet rambling run on sentence if I've ever seen one!!)

If anyone has any questions, let me know. After deciphering and transcribing the information into a language normal people can understand, I now consider myself a partial expert. Once I have applied and gone through the entire process I will consider myself an expert. :)

Speaking of that awful job I gave my life to for two years only to be taken complete advantage of, pushed to the brink of a total breakdown due to stress, and left with a total depletion of energy and self confidence, I am grateful for a couple of things. Which are the following:

1) Teaching me that I am not what I "do" for a career. I am who I am because of my core values. I am nice, genuine, friendly, loving, honest, fun, outgoing, and an extremely dedicated person... etc etc etc.

2) Being...business "savvy" (trying to be very nice here) does not mean you are better than anyone else. It means you are a mean ass hole that does not care about people in general and you will do whatever needs to be done to get to where you want to be. Including but not limited to bullying, manipulating, lying, etc.

3) Knowing that I am not like the above mentioned people. And never will be.

4) Reminding me how to live again. I have read three books, found out who I am, taken photographs again, spent irreplaceable time with my joy, my number one love, my dog. I am cooking again, and love it. I have reconnected with people I lost touch with because I didn't had have the energy and time to continue AND I  am going out on DATES!!! WHAT?!!!??! For real!! I have a date tomorrow and one on Wednesday. Still have a day open this week..... ;)

5) And last but not least... sitting here jobless...and pretty broke... trying to get unemployment....I have my self-confidence back and happier than I have ever been.  So screw you ass holes who tried to break me. You lost.. I won. In spades!! :D

Well... this will be a good foray into what my life tends to like.... (since this is my first blog entry). I CAN cook!!! I know that for those of you who know me, would be shaking your head at me, because you "already knew this".  However since becoming single I have not done much cooking in two and half years. And there is no one here to lie that it tastes "great"....

Last week it was chicken in a decadent  mushroom sauce with asparagus, red onions and mushrooms (no recipe... done on the fly) and tonight it was the most amazing beef stew ever. And I am not someone who thinks that everything I do is amazing, actually I am my toughest critic and usually think I can do no right. So the fact that I am saying this about my own stew means it is REALLY good. I swear!!!!

So this week could be a very interesting week... I might have three dates... with three different guys. I have no idea how to date. I am one of those girls who is one guy at a time. But this seems kind of fun..... I think.....  This is not typical of what my life tends to be like, I just happened to be convinced by my mother, that I should join a dating website. Again... should be interesting and it is kind of fun.... Wish I knew what all you men are looking for... I need a MAN-ual. THAT is a whole other blog entry. I know we girls are a bit.... challenging..... but you all! Phew! Just as challenging. Hence the need for a MAN-ual.

Peace out for now....