Why can we not just be happy with what we have right now

You know, I do realize that I have no patience. Once I make up my mind, I want things to be in place right then. Now, mind you, it can take me a VERY long time to figure things out and make up my mind, but once I do... you better watch out!

I should be a pretty content person right now.... I have an awesome apartment that I love and that feels like home. I have a great comfy couch and a big flat screen TV with a very nice surround sound system that I almost threw out the window due to my lack of patience for electronics and cords. I have a nice kitchen (minus lack of cabinets) that allows me to have lots of fun cooking in it and I just about have every cooking nicknack that I need to do that cooking. I have wine in the wine rack and liquor in my bar and food in my fridge. I have the most amazing puppy ever. I have a pretty great wardrobe and an awesome shoe collection. I have a great family that cares for me and great friends who have saved my life. What more could I really ask for?

(Well for one, I would ask for the knowledge to know what I want to do when I grew up.  Actually I do really know what I want to do. I want to be a registered dietitian. Which requires at least three years of school I think. More on that to come.... )

Not to say, that these things have not come at a cost. I am divorced. I do live alone, and recently I have been alone a lot. I am just about out of the little nest egg of savings that I was saving up to buy a place due to the fact that I have not been employed since November 1st. I had a job that just about killed me. It didn't but I walked away being diagnosed with Celiac's Disease, hyper-somnia aka moderate narcolepsy, and the biggest issue of all... bi-polar. Who the fuck (sorry about the language) would have guessed that?!?!? Well it makes perfect sense, actually. And I wish more than anything I would have known about it 10-15 years ago.... but the past is the past. You can't change it. The present is what it is in your control. (So I keep telling myself....)

Before this post, a handful of people know about the bi-polar. I felt (and sometimes still do) like it is my dirty little secret. As if, if people knew they would think I was crazy. Which, perhaps I am, and that is why I am so charming. LOL

I do not blame the 'evil' job for my health aliments per se. I do however blame it for pushing me over the edge so that I could no longer deal with things on my own. When I say that it nearly killed me and two of my friends saved my life, I am dead (excuse the pun) serious.

So why can I not be content right now. I am alive and well (thank you medication) and happy, mostly.  Why do I have to have all my hopes and dreams come true all at once, right now? Then what would I have to look forward to? Why do when I think about these things not happening right now, I get sad? And can not be happy about the things that I do have right now? Is that the point? That is the reason that I will make my dreams come true? Because I can not stand to be sad? That is my motivation to figure out how to go back to school and do what I really have a passion for? That is the reason that I will never give up on finding true love? That is the reason that I will continue to make myself a better person? If I was happy with what I was right now, would I have the desire to change, to better myself, to push myself? Would you?

Food.....

Over the last couple of days I have been a cooking fool and loving every minute of it. Of course I have probably gained 10 pounds because of it, but I don't care, it tastes so good and is so much fun!

One thing you have to realize is that both of these meals that I cooked are rather out of my comfort zone. While I now admit that I may have skills in the kitchen when it comes to dinner entrees, in the past I always considered myself more of a baker than a culinary chef. Well, times have changed! That is for sure.  (As most of my friends will tell you, I never talk about myself in a positive way much. I am my toughest critic by far. So, by boasting about this... means it was really very, very good.)

On Thursday night the menu was the following: Jamaican Jerk Chicken served with Caribbean Rice, topped with Pineapple and Mango salsa. I also served a salad which was composed of dark greens, blue cheese crumbles and cranberry's with a homemade balsamic vinaigrette dressing. For dessert you ask? Gluten Free Brownies. (Well, more like brownie crumbles. But it was still yummy, even tho it didn't plate so well. LOL Tends to happen with Gluten Free things.)

The chicken was incredible. But I do have a confession... I just about smoked everyone out of my loft. This was the first time I had used a stovetop cast iron grill pan. Let's just say, I am still trying to clean the grill pan! On the positive side it is well on its way to being nicely seasoned!

Back to the chicken... it was yummy! The marinade (not a dry rub like most jerk chicken recipes) left the chicken moist and bursting with flavor. I felt like there was a party in my mouth! The combination of the chicken with the rice and the salsa was.... perfection.

With so much success from that, I was riding high as I decided what to cook last night. Again, stepping way out of comfort zone I decided to cook beef. (Hard to believe not too long ago I would not touch raw chicken or meat!) Friday's menu almost topped Thursday's....

Friday the menu was Beef Tenderloin with a Red Wine Reduction sauce, roasted garlic mashed potatoes and sautéed asparagus. Again, heaven in my mouth... and my dinner companion was impressed. Success yet again! The steak was seared to perfection, the potatoes just the right amount of garlic and the asparagus were crunchy and delicious. THEN..... there was dessert!!

Dessert for Friday was a Flour-less Chocolate Cake topped with a Chocolate Ganache sauce. OH MY GOD!!! It was so rich and delectable I almost passed out!! LOL

I can't even explain how much fun it has been to be back in the kitchen again, and challenging myself. I am having a blast!!

Tattoo

So for those of you who do know... I have a tattoo on my back and it is not quite finished. I have been thinking about the finishing touches for about a year now and have finally figured out what I am going to do. I am adding a airplane near my shoulder in remembrance of my Uncle who passed away recently. I am also adding a baby rattle in remembrance of my niece who sadly passed away 4 hours after she was born. Last but not least I am going to have the following phrase scrolling through the stars: No easy way from the earth to the stars. I might do the phrase in Latin which would be this: Non est ad astra moills e terris via. I am so excited, I just want to go and finish it right now!! LOL

How much do guys really want to know..

I have to admit. Hitting the "dating scene" in my mid-thirties has been a little daunting. I was mistaken when I thought that surely it would be easier than when I was younger. You know we are "adults".... Boy was I wrong!! I have no idea what the hell I am doing. Have no idea how to play this game and I am certainly clueless to the rules.

So there is this guy... I like him. We have spent quite a bit of time together. We have tons in common, we became close quickly, we have fun... you know all the good stuff. Well the good stuff happens when we are together, in person. When we don't see each other he seems withdrawn. The only reason I even mention this, is because he took a job in a different state... so there is going to be a significant time when we are not together, in person. I am a girl. Withdrawn does not work for me. I need to hear the same things you would say and do say in person, or else I kinda go a little crazy and start to second guess everything.

I want to tell him that I miss him. That I can't wait to see him. That I wish I was there to cook dinner for him. Pour him a drink. I wish that I was exploring his new "home" with him. But I am afraid to say anything because from what I have heard, that is breaking the rules. Is he thinking the same? Is he not and that why he is distant? And what is even crazier is that I am TALKING ABOUT THIS IN A BLOG AND NOT TO HIM.. we are adults right?????

I don't even know if anyone even reads this damn thing, but if you do, and you are a guy, what the hell do you guys want to know? What would scare you off? And why the hell would someone you seemingly like, a lot, scare you? For once I would like to understand. As I believe I mentioned in my very first blog I need a MAN-ual. ASAP!!!!

I really like this guy. I am willing to leave my home and start a life where I would know no one but him at first. That my friend is scary. But first I have to be able to trust that what he tells me in person, that what he seems unable to do over the phone or via text, is not some bull shit. Just not sure how to explain that to him without seeming over bearing, needy, whatever the "rules" say I would be.

How about we F these rules and just start communicating. It would be a hell of a lot easier.

A New Year....

Well here it is, 2012 and I have decided that I am kind of over "New Year's". I mean yes I am looking forward to this being a better year than 2011, however I think I have thought that for the last 2 or 3 years and none of those years have been really been that better.

I don't mean to be my pessimistic self, however this year has not even started well, at least not in the love department. Mr. Wonderful fell off the face of the earth with no warning. He did decide to return, intermittently. But now I have a huge wall that he is going to have to get over. And men wonder what is wrong with us, perhaps there is nothing wrong with us... perhaps there is something wrong with men.

What IS wrong with me, is that I throw myself into something and when it goes awry, my entire being also goes awry. Why can't people be who they say they are? Why do they say things that they do not mean? Or why do they mean them in one minute and maybe not the next even when absolutely nothing has changed.

Do not offer me the fairy tale and then run away.


On a side note, I did have a fabulous New Year's Eve party and everyone seemed to have a wonderful time. I served beef tenderloin wrapped in bacon, ginger turkey meatballs served with a warm sweet mustard sauce, parmesan pastry puffs, stuffed mushrooms, southwestern squares, artichoke crab dip, triple chocolate fruit topped pizza, peanut butter squares, and the specialty drink of the evening was Pomegranate Mojitos. Everything turned out perfect! I do still remember how to throw a party after all. :) Maybe I should look into even planning.....

Girls can be as dumb as boys

Yes, you read that correctly. Sometimes us girls are pretty stupid. Usually we are at our worst when starting a new relationship. I could easily trace this back to baggage left by previous, equally dumb boys, but for tonight I will lay blame solely on us girls. (Kind of)

We want space. We want constant contact. We need reassurance. We say we don't constantly need to be told that you like us. We want to be perceived as strong, independent women who can do things on our own. We want you to open doors for us, walk on the side closest to the street, hold our hand, and give advice, etc etc etc. I mean I get why you boys might be a little confused. But TRUST me... (Ah there is the very important word now) most importantly we want to trust. We want to be able to trust that what you told us yesterday, is the same thing you believe today. We want to trust that the sweet things we mentioned two days ago, still has the same meaning two weeks from now. And when this does not happen we turn into self-doubting, ultra-overthinking, dumb girls.

It all comes down to trust. I use to be one of those people that when I met you, you had my trust. All of it. It was not earned. It was something that you could loose with me. And once it was lost, you would never really get it back. This is not the case so much. Being like that gets you hurt, and once you are hurt badly enough, you learn to change your ways with trust. Trust is the voice in the back of a girls head when she is in "dumb mode". Trust is the one to blame, shared equally with baggage.

Here is what we want. We really do want to trust you boys from the very beginning. We really really do. However, it is now impossible. By no fault of your own (current boys in our lives) and we do know that it is not your fault, yet.

We don't need to talk to you ever minute of everyday, but maybe at least 3 times a day or so could you let us know that you are thinking about us and you are alive? Without us initiating it first? A quick text or call is all we are asking for. Could you maybe reiterate something really important that you said the other day, just so we know we weren't  making things up in our head? Could you say goodnight to us when you go to sleep. Even if you think we might already be asleep. I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes (because of trust and baggage) we end up in dumb mode and these simple actions would smack us right out of that.

Not only would this little smack help us girls, its going to help you boys too. See by doing this, trusting you just might happen and then dumb girl (at least in this aspect) will not rear her not-so-pretty head. It is a win-win for both of us.  What do you think? You on board boys? I know a couple of girls whose love lives would be less dumb-girl like if you were....

Question of the Day:

Could I really pick up and move away from the City that I love and have lived in for almost 15 years?

This is the answer that I need to come up with, among others. Such as: Can I overcome my fear of moving to an unfamiliar place where I may only know one person? What if this place only has several hundred thousand people instead of millions? Will l get bored? Will I fit in? What will I do? Will I miss big city living?

Several of these are easy to answer: I don't do much now honestly, so how could I be more bored than already am?  Plus, its a new place... plenty to see at least at first. Big city living is expensive and rather cold and un-sunny. In this new place I could live in a 3 bedroom house for $500 LESS than I am paying for 740 square feet. BUT... its not a cool loft, in a converted printing building that is now a historical site because it was design by one the most famous and influential architects of his time, Burnham.
But it is sunny more days than not! Over 200 sunny days last year!! (Compared to less than 100 in this 'great city'.) We all know how much I need the sun! And I will have to drive everywhere. Say good by to the super low 24,000 miles I have on my 6 year old Mini Cooper. BUT I could afford a NEW mini! Hmmmmm.....

What about the roar of the L train overhead, the smelly people on it, the culture, the cold weather, only having two seasons and the awful city taxes? What about my friends and family and summers in Chicago? Summer in Chicago... you CAN NOT beat it!!  I mean I know I would be back every 4-6 weeks because giving up my hairdresser is non-negotiable. But still....

What about the "Will I fit in?" question and only knowing one person? I mean at first I might not have job (I don't even have one now) so how will I meet anyone? It's going to be like living in the Suburbs... is that what I want? Me, Sherman, a house and yard and L and no friends and no job at first?

At least it is a big  "College town", so there has got to be fun things to do sometimes.... football games for sure!  And it is home to several Corporate Headquarters so it has to offer some good things. I could easily go back to school too, and be able to do what I really want to do....

The biggest question, and hardest question is: Am I willing to do this for someone else? For someone who I do believe  I am meant to be with. For someone who promises to be good to me and true and honest and help me in whatever way to adjust to moving because he knows without a doubt that I would be making the biggest change of my life in recent years to be with him.

What to do, what to do what to do......